My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
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In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
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Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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