mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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