I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
