did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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