Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
