apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
