Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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