the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
