I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
