There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
