So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
