There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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