I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
is wine microwaveable?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
