You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
