watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
