DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i drank out of a bidet.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
