no one should ever give us hovercrafts
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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