We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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