woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
love makes seman taste better
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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