They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Holy shit dude........stairs
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