Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
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