I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
