Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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