Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
