You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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