I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
