I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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