I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
