how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
