Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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