I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
