I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
