The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
