My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
