i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
