I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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