apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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