Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
