just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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