i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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