I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
