did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
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Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
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Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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