i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
