Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
