I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
