I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
