While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
