So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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