My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
