I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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