and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you had me at cake vodka
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
