my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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