Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Everyone says I win the strip club
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
