I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
