It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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