I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
