My Higher Power is John Stamos
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
