So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
